THE ART OF SAYING ‘NO’ GRACEFULLY: HOW TO PROTECT YOUR TIME AND ENERGY
CLAUDIA VON BOESELAGER
MARCH 2025
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Have you ever found yourself saying “yes” to something you didn’t really want to do, only to regret it later?
Maybe it was an invitation, a project, or a favor for a friend or family member.
You said yes because you didn’t want to disappoint anyone, or maybe you were worried about missing out on something fun.
I’ve been there, too. For years, I was a chronic “yes” person, and it came at the expense of my time, energy, and even my well-being.
I used to get excited about every opportunity that came my way. My optimistic and imaginative mind would light up at the thought of new invitations, activities, and projects. I wanted to be there for everyone, to support friends and family, and to say yes to every exciting possibility.
But over time, I realized that this habit was unsustainable. My schedule was overflowing, my energy was depleted, and I was left with little time for the things that truly mattered to me.
It wasn’t until I discovered the art of saying no that I began to reclaim my time and energy.
Learning to say no gracefully has been a game-changer for me, and I want to share what I’ve learned with you. If you’ve ever struggled with saying no, this article is for you.
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Why Saying No Is So Important
Saying no isn’t just about turning down invitations or requests—it’s about setting boundaries and protecting your time. Time is one of our most precious resources, and once it’s gone, we can’t get it back. When we say yes to things that don’t align with our goals or values, we’re essentially saying no to the things that do.
For many of us, especially women, it’s easy to put ourselves at the bottom of the priority list. We say yes to everyone else—our kids, our partners, our friends, our colleagues—leaving little time for ourselves. But as the saying goes, you can’t pour from an empty cup. To show up as your best self for others, you need to take care of yourself first.
Step 1: How to Decide If It’s a Yes or a No
The first step in mastering the art of saying no is figuring out whether something is truly worth your time and energy. Here are two tools I use to make this decision:
1. The “Heck Yes” Analogy
I first heard this concept from Derek Sivers, and it’s been a game-changer for me. Imagine you’re rating an invitation, project, or activity on a scale of 1 to 10, where 1 is an absolute no and 10 is a “HECK YES!” Now, here’s the twist: there’s no number 7. Why? Because 7 is a safe, lukewarm answer. It’s not a strong yes, but it’s not a definite no, either. By removing 7 from the equation, you’re forced to make a clearer decision.
If something isn’t an 8, 9, or 10 out of 10, it’s a no. This simple rule has helped me prioritize the things that truly excite me and align with my goals while gracefully letting go of the rest.
Reclaiming Your Time
The art of saying no can help you reclaim your time and energy.
2. The “Next Tuesday” Analogy
Have you ever agreed to something months in advance, thinking you’d have plenty of time, only to regret it when the date rolled around? This is a common trap we fall into because we assume our future selves will be less busy than we are now.
To avoid this, I use what I call the “Next Tuesday” analogy. When I receive an invitation or request, I ask myself: If this were happening next Tuesday, would I say yes? This helps me gauge how I truly feel about the commitment, based on my current level of busyness and priorities. If it’s not an enthusiastic yes for next Tuesday, it’s a no.
Insights from Tim Ferriss and Other Experts
Tim Ferriss, author of The 4-Hour Workweek, emphasizes the importance of saying no as a way to protect your time and focus. He often quotes Peter Drucker, who said, “People are effective because they say no.” Ferriss suggests practicing the art of saying no quickly and decisively. The more you practice, the easier it becomes to make decisions that align with your priorities.
Ferriss also recommends using email templates to say no politely but firmly. For example:
“Thank you for thinking of me. Unfortunately, I’m unable to take this on right now due to other commitments.”
“I’m honored by your request, but I have to decline to focus on my current priorities.”
Another expert, Greg McKeown, author of Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less, advises creating a “no repertoire.” This is a set of pre-prepared responses you can use to say no in different situations. By having these responses ready, you can avoid being caught off guard and make saying no feel more natural.
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Step 2: How to Say No Gracefully
Once you’ve decided to say no, the next step is to communicate your decision in a way that feels respectful and kind. Saying no doesn’t have to be awkward or uncomfortable. Here are some phrases I use to say no gracefully:
“Sadly, I have something else going on.”
“I wish I were able to, but I can’t.”
“Unfortunately, I don’t have the bandwidth for that right now.”
“I’m honored you asked me, but I simply can’t.”
“Thanks for thinking of me, but I’m sorry I’m not able to fit this in.”
Another approach is to make it about a rule or commitment you’ve set for yourself, rather than a personal decision. For example:
“I’ve committed this year to not taking on any engagements on weekends so I can focus on family time.”
“I’ve decided to prioritize self-care this month, so I’m not taking on any new projects right now.”
By framing it this way, you’re showing that your decision is part of a larger plan or boundary you’ve set, which makes it less personal and easier for others to understand.
Dealing with Guilt When Saying No
One of the biggest challenges of saying no is dealing with the guilt that often comes with it. You might worry about disappointing others or feel like you’re letting someone down. But here’s the truth: saying no is not selfish—it’s self-respect.
When you say no to something that doesn’t align with your goals or values, you’re saying yes to yourself and the things that matter most to you. Remember, you can’t be everything to everyone. By setting boundaries and protecting your time, you’re actually showing up as a better, more present version of yourself for the people and projects that truly matter.
Claudia von Boeselager
Claudia is the host of the top-rated podcast, Longevity & Lifestyle
The Joy of Missing Out
For years, I struggled with FOMO—the fear of missing out. I didn’t want to miss out on fun events, exciting opportunities, or chances to connect with others. But over time, I discovered something even better: JOMO, the joy of missing out.
JOMO is about finding joy in the things you choose to prioritize. It’s about embracing the freedom that comes with saying no to things that don’t serve you, so you can say yes to the things that do. When you let go of the fear of missing out, you create space for more joy, creativity, and fulfillment in your life.
Final Thoughts
Learning to say no gracefully is one of the most powerful skills you can develop. It allows you to protect your time, energy, and well-being so you can focus on what truly matters. By using tools like the “Heck Yes” analogy and the “Next Tuesday” analogy, and by incorporating insights from experts like Tim Ferriss and Greg McKeown, you can make clearer decisions about what to say yes to and what to let go of.
Remember, saying no isn’t about closing doors—it’s about opening the right ones. Here’s to living with intention, joy, and purpose.
